Gettin’ down with someone new for the first time is exciting and nervewracking. There are so many decisions to make! Lights on or lights off? Do you get on top, or do you just park yourself on the bottom and hope for the best? Will it be evident that it’s been a minute? The thing about it, is that once you do it, it really is like riding a bike. You never really forget, you just have to get back on the horse. Hooking up with a new person for the first time can be totally awesome. Sure, there are awkward moments as you figure out each other’s moves and tastes, but the sexual chemistry carries you through. But there are those other times when your new paramour’s behavior in the bedroom is inexcusable. We all have our limits. Dudes, take heed. Here are some sex dealbreakers that will definitely not get you another lay.
1. Handjobs are the devil
I once let a dude come upstairs after the second date, which is unusual for me. We started making out, and things were going as planned, until I felt the rude awakening of his boner, free from the confines of his pants, poking insistently into my hand. Out of nothing more than panic, really, I did what I assumed I was meant to do, which was administer a lackluster hand job that ended in, uh, success, but honestly, it was the worst. Here’s the thing, guys. Handjobs are not that fun for us. I suppose the novelty of the occasional hand job is something to acknowledge, a flashback to say, watching a movie with your high school boyfriend and letting your hands wander where they may. It does have its place, but only in an established relationship, one that you’re in for the long haul. A hand job on the first time we’re seeing each other naked is not the move.
2. Treat my vagina with indignity
The vagina is a special, delicate thing, appreciative of touch, but also extremely sensitive. It takes a special kind to really know what they’re doing with their hands down there, and when you find that person (or toy!), treasure it forever. If this skill happens to be exhibited during the first time you’re pantsless with a new person, praise be. You are #blessed. If you also happen to like that person, even better! If this is the situation you find yourself in, congratulations and enjoy. It’s important to realize that for all the correct ways there are to touch a pussy, there are just as many wrong ones. Here’s a brief list of things in this region that certainly do not work: Fingernails, pinching, unnecessary prodding, scraping a finger around as if you were trying to get the last bit of peanut butter out of a jar. All are grounds for removal from my bedroom and my life.
3. Get your hands off my head, please
Blowjobs are sometimes fun, but if this is the first time I’m giving you one, please know that despite how many times I’ve gone through this song and dance, it’s still a special treat. Giving head is sometimes more intimate than sex and it’s not generally a move that I would personally do the first time I’m about to bone a new person, but do you. Blowjob etiquette is something that a lot of dudes don’t really understand. I feel your hand on my head pushing me towards your waiting boner, there’s very little chance that I will come face to face with that thing then or ever again. I understand that excitement sometimes gets the better of people, but I think that in new sexual situations, when you’re not entirely sure what the other person’s comfort levels are, it’s best to err on the side of caution. It is not polite to push someone’s head towards your boner in the vain hope that they will then put their mouth on it and bring you to orgasm. Giving head is a choice, and getting it is not a right. Your hands on my head pushing me towards your unfamiliar penis lead me to believe that you think otherwise.
4. Coming anywhere on me that I didn’t already clear
It’s pretty simple — please don’t come on my face, unless I have for some reason explicitly told you that it’s okay. I understand that sometimes things happen that are out of your control, but don’t, like, aim for it, when you haven’t even bothered to find out if that’s something I’m into. Also, if you do happen to accidentally come on my face, up my nose, in my eye, whatever — get up! Get a tissue! Scratch that, get me a warm, wet washcloth like an adult with manners! If you happened to make it in my eye, guess what, that shit burns. Get me something to clean up with, stat, and if I really like you, we will agree that this was just an accident and I might see you again. If you show no remorse, that’s another story.
5. Motorboating is not a thing, so don’t try to make it one
It is insane to me that a grown man would think it’s acceptable to stick his face in between a woman’s breasts and then shake his head back and forth. Please do not try this. It will result in your shoes, pants, and socks being unceremoniously tossed out onto the street.
6. Pulling ye olde switcheroo
I’ve heard it all before, so please don’t try and tell me that you got “confused.” I understand that sometimes in the heat of the moment, a vigorous thrust can sometimes miss its target, but there’s a decided difference between you sort of accidentally grazing my butt and an actual attempt at penetration. Anal sex is not for everyone and even those who like it know there’s preparation and plenty of lube involved. But that’s neither here nor there, because if we’re hooking up for the first time, I’m pretty sure that we’re not at a place where I’m even interested in discussing butt sex with you, let alone doing it. Pull the switcheroo and that’ll be the end of you.